Some more jokes

[Pilot Ben 28]

1. When I lost my rifle in the Army, they charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship (An Arleigh Burke-class destroyer costs over $1 billion per ship).
2. The reason the armed forces argue all the time is because they don’t speak the same jargon. If you say, “secure a building,” the Army will set up guards on the outside, the Navy will lock the doors and turn out the lights, the Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters, and the Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with the option to buy.
3. An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?” The Marine replied, “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.” The young lady said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. When’s the last time you’ve had sex?” The Marine replied, “1955 ma’am.” The young lady said, “That’s why you’re so serious. C’mon, I’ll make sure you lighten up.” She takes him to a private room. Afterwards, she says “You sure didn’t forget anything since 1955.” The Marine looks at his watch and says, “I'd hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”
4. A Japanese squad was on patrol. The first two men that went over a hill were cut in half by gun fire. The Japanese officer ordered five more to go over the hill and see what they were up against. All five were mowed down. The officer ordered ten more guys to get over that hill and see what they were up against, and they were all mowed down. The officer had had enough and ordered the entire company to get over that hill, and they were all killed too. The officer called for more troops. 25 reported to him and once again he ordered them over the hill, and they were all killed. The officer, not knowing what to do next, called his commander to ask what he should do. The commander told him not to spare any lives, but to get over the damn hill. The officer called in a battalion of troops and once again ordered them over that hill This time they were all killed except for one who came crawling back missing both his legs. The officer asked him if he saw what was on the other side of that hill. The soldier replied, “Its the US Marines sir.” The officer asked, “How many are there?” In his last breath the soldier replied, “Two sir.”
5. The Marines always say they were the first to battle or anywhere. There’s one exception: When they get to the Pearly Gates of Heaven they’ll find out they were built by the Seabees.
6. Wisdom from a WW2 veteran: If you come across an unidentified foxhole, fire one shot so it doesn’t hit anybody. If the response is a load of machine gun fire, they’re German. If they throw down their arms and surrender, they’re Italian or French. If there’s a fusillade of rapid, precise rifle fire, they’re British. If nothing happens for 5 minutes, and then your position is obliterated by artillery fire or an airstrike, they’re American. And if you’re charged by a large amount of men with bearskins screaming сука блять, they’re Russian

 

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  How many soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?

Navy: 2, one to hold the ladder, and another to climb and do the job.

Air Force: 30, including purchasing committee, vendor negotiator, site supervisor, and everything in between. This number does not include the vendor technicians who will           do the job.

Army: 203. 1 conscript who does the whole thing himself, 200 names of other conscripts written in budget request so a large sum of money can be drawn out of the army             accounting, and 2 commissioned officers who pocket that money

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 A grizzled Army Air Corps veteran from Scotland comes to speak at a women’s college graduation. As part of his speech, he recalls the first dogfight he got into.

 “It was 1943, I was flyin’ my P-51 over the skies of France with my squadron when I see enemy aircraft, and all of a sudden i’ve got 3 fokkers behind me and two fokkers on           my left wing”

He pauses as he sees some of the women blush or giggle

“Ladies, the Fokker was a type of plane flown by the Germans in the second World War” the headmistress intervenes curtly.

With a grin, the man replies “Aye, you’re right ma’am, but these fokkers were flyin’ Messerschmitts!”

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A Marine is waiting in line at the armoury, spending hours in the hot sun just for the opportunity to turn his spotless weapon in.

“I’m sick of this bull**it!” He says aloud. “When I get out of the corps i’m never going to stand in line for something again”

 A passing Gunnery Sergeant overhears him and shouts back, enraged “And let me guess, devil dog, when you get out you’re gonna piss on my grave too, since you just love         the corps!”

 “Negative Gunny, didn’t you hear me say I wasn’t going to stand in line for anything ever again?” The Marine replies

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Two crows were flying along slowly minding their own business enjoying the scenery, when all of a sudden out of the blue an F/A-18E/F Super Hornet goes screaming past,         barely missing the now somersaulting, and wildly flapping crows.

"Oh my God!" exclaims one crow in surprise. "He was sure moving!"

 The other crow replies: "I reckon you would be too if you had two asses and both of them were on fire!"

 

 

 

Made me laugh  

Edited May 5, 2018 by Pilot Ben

[Bravedan 106]

As confirmation of how old No 4 is, I first heard it told featuring the Roman Legions against the Welsh     😜

 

The punch line was "It's a trap, don't go, there's two of them............................."

Edited May 8, 2018 by Bravedan